my can of coke

Now my bookouts are marked by a movie or two, whatever’s cool, with daniel lim siah. Its quite gay; the way we watch chuck and larry, music and lyrics, and other potentially romantic shows. Hahaha.

After we watched fool’s gold on fri, i went home so intrigued by the idea of a treasure hunt. Its exciting, mysterious and so precious at the same time. Maybe what i liked most was the sheer immensity of the task- of pieceing sporadic clues together, of being greeted by boundless failures, and really of resolutely halting your life to immerse yourself entirely for the task.

And i thought for a moment, if God has meant our lives to be like a treasure hunt.

To consider the treasure above everything else and, with this utmost desire in our hearts, to look intently at everything big and really small that crosses our life. Because everything could be a clue, a clue that would always point us to capture a little gaze of what God was thinking about. When the couple was looking for the treasure, they had to think like the person who hid the treasure. Logically so. Until we finally learn to let go of logic, rationality, and the overwhelming flow of the rest of the world, and to make ourself open and mallable to God, then maybe we would understand God abit better, and move abit closer to the treasure. 

Its funny how in all treasure shows, the bad guys appears with a gun the moment the characters uncover the treasure. These people are robbers. And somehow we meet robbers in our pursuit of the treasure too, robbing our joy, our focus, and our passion for the treasure. The nicer ones negotiate, to spare us our ‘life’ for the treasure. But usually we end up living lesser than abundantly if we conform to the fear that overwhelms our love for the treasure.

Maybe maybe most of all, since it was a romantic comedy, the I think the best part was finding the treasure and be able to hold not the treasure, but the person who braved the storms and gunshots with you all the way. And you finally learn that He was with you all along, and it was the process of relentless searching and never giving up that made the treasure fit for treasure.

I feel like i just missed the train.

To starkly say that the miss is insignificant because after all trains keep moving and sometime soon we’ll all get on and get somewhere. That the 5minutes is not lost because we could fill our lives with other preoccupations in the meantime. That it doesnt have to be as if it has the potency to spoil our day because we’re really not in a hurry to anywhere if we know where we’re going.

But in all honesty whats difficult is when you’re all in pace to get on, and you see the doors open and close, and you chose not to get on. To let it go. And in just that briefest moment you feel the most sensitive; that being on the train is so different from being off, that you never really wanted to listen to mp3 or read the papers and wait, that maybe come full circle your fav seat might be occupied by someone else. In that slow humming acceleration of the train up till where people move on and away, you stand wondering…

I feel like it might just start the rain.

It’s in the inexpressions,
the holding back.
It’s in the hiding,
the belief to protect.
It’s in the shielding,
the restrain.
It’s in the you
and not the me.

I happen to think alot, whether im aware of it or not. And drifting thoughts bring you everywhere else except at where you are. Wish i was somewhere else. Wish i looked different. Wish i could go back to the time when. Wish you were here.

Like that Jack Johnson song “sitting, wishing, waiting”. 

I was sitting on my bed with 38 hours to enlistment sitting, wishing, waiting about how my first 2 weeks will be like. Then right, amidst the haziness of idontknowhowishouldbefeeling-ness, something within me felt peaceful and happy suddenly when i realized that there is nothing, nowhere, and no reason better than who, where, why i am at the present. So hard to accept it when Eric is always trying to do things better.

But i really like it. So liberating you can live momentously. So snuggish and secured knowing that you’re in the best situation in the whole universe. I think its kind of amazing, and exciting, when you tell God, “na, here are my worries, things i cannot understand, and things i cannot let go of”, and you let go anyway, then your soul will learn to smile in the face of time, of fears, and of spiders for me.

Now i’ll really treasure moments. All bleak situations are just awful beginnings to a greater ending worx.

22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

 24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”
      They replied, “Certainly, O king.”

 25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

 28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God.

Dear God, its so hard to give you everything all the time. Then sometimes when my gaze ascent to the cross i realise the value and pain of surrendering everything, though i yet comprehend both in their fullest measure as You had. 11 days more, i hope that the only means by which i stand out in camp would be how much more i want to trust in You, and no longer how fast or how skillful i am. So easy to know you, so hard to trust you. Trusting comes with giving; giving comes with lesser certainty. So crazy sometimes to give up some things for You to work freely in my life. I really want my 1 year 10 months to be authentic- I want to fall crazily in love with You.

I think most of us find security in knowing. Knowing the solutions to some problems, or even just the consequence of some circumstances. Such knowledge prepares us; it gives us the choice not to look like some unglam candid photo when it comes. Thus not knowing infuses insecurity. It makes you filled with a mixture of fear, or impatience, and a good measure of helplessness. Whatever is on the other side of the dark room. How good future would look. What the other person is thinking in his 2fisted brain.

Insecurity steals peace. And the lack of peace is worrying. Maybe the guy who said ‘ignorance is bliss’ would wake up and fight me. More and more im considering that trust is the necessary bedrock for any relationships. Friendship, relationship, leadership, especially all of the above on board a ship. How to say… its like with trust, you believe that the other person is playing his part of the relationship well in unselfish nature even when you cannot see, hear or imagine. Even if its not evident by what you see on the outside.

And sometimes people take time off pursuing a relationship. We draw back somehow, and without trust this would be reciprocated on the other side. Slowly it turns into a funny you know those kind of romantic run towards each other on the beach, just that it is on rewind now. When we trust, we trust that the lack of action and attention is temporary, and the underlying love is still the same. In other words we trust the person and not the things that may suggests what the person is feeling. Yes sometimes we really trust wrongly. The person just plays our time and us away. But i feel like trusting in such times is not in vain. The bible notes that love washes over a multitude of bad things. That love keeps no record of wrong. All because love is selfless and primarily about the other person.

Trust is really hard to grasp for me. It’s mysterious, really hard to strengthen and so easy to take away.

God please help me to trust you and always love in spite of.

Looks like daniel is caught between our quarrel.

What the heck!?!?!

6 years & counting! for all its worth.